I knew what I needed – but I had forgotten

I come from a very long relationship, it has been toxic, for a long time. She had been marked for years by silence, quarrels, punishment, anger, grief, distance, being alone. At some point we had lost each other and were alone in the relationship, for a long time. I was lost. Although I worked on myself a lot and took good care of myself, I knew less and less who I am and what I really need. He was probably a narcissist, I tied up. After 25 years I broke out, wanted to be alone. Anything was better than continuing this relationship.

Don’t be afraid, open to everything and never too much
I hadn’t kissed in years, I wanted to make up for that. I went on Tinder. After three days of tinder I had a date with you, you were immediately flashed by me and I also liked you very much. I called you or us the perfect match. I was open to everything, had nothing to lose. Also, I had no expectations, I wanted to live, I was hungry, I was free, I wanted to kiss.

A friend asked me if I was not afraid of injuries. No, I didn’t. I wanted to kiss, I wanted to feel, I wanted to fly. I was never afraid, I had the bad time behind me. I was and am with me, give myself happiness and satisfaction. You were irritatingly fast binding for me, I was still a little fluttered, actually I wanted to ‘play’ a little more. On the third date we kissed. I think all day long. I flew, it was beautiful. You said you could show me your stamp collection, that was funny. But we waited a little longer with that. That was over two years ago. Since then, we’ve been seeing each other for three to five days every week and it’s never too much.

The closeness becomes even closer
At the beginning, you lived a little further away from me, but you felt like moving in close to me pretty quickly. You wanted to be close to me from the beginning. I haven’t been able to leave yet because I live with my student children. For some time you have been living close and we see each other frequently. We kiss a lot, still. We are happy, you love me, I love you. Yes, we talk a lot, about everything, we are open, we are close, I am me and you love just that, you are you and I love just that. I am allowed to be exactly as I am, this is a wonderful experience for me.

I still can’t quite believe it and have to pinch myself every now and then to see if I’m in reality. How can it just be so good? How can it be so easy? And how could it be so hard for so long? I no longer knew what it was like to be light. To be happy, to feel closeness. You give me what I need. You make me the good version of myself and that’s beautiful and makes me very grateful. Because, there was a time when I was probably emotionally closer to death than to life. Now I live to the fullest again. I enjoy, I love, it fits, it’s beautiful.

I have found myself again
Recently, while cleaning up, I found old letters to my ex-husband from our early days, in which I already wrote at that time that I was not happy, that I needed more closeness and tenderness. At that time, I knew what I needed – and I just forgot about it over time. I stayed anyway, I was able to share my love and tenderness with my wonderful children, but in the relationship I disguised myself, probably so as not to perish.

Now I have rediscovered what I knew before. I know again what I need, what makes me happy, what I love and you give it to me. I did not ask for it, do not expect and do not demand anything. And I don’t have to ‘do’ anything for it. You just give it to me because you want it, because you are the way you are and because it fits so well. I think you feel exactly the same and that only makes everything much nicer.

Each of us has been able to shed our past. Now we enjoy every moment together in the present, are grateful for it and have no expectations for the future. We enjoy, we love, we talk, we laugh, we cry, we do ourselves good. I can give everything, I get everything. We are the same, we are different. We complement each other, we fit.

Too cheesy? Maybe somehow it does, but it’s the way it is. I have been feeling like a teenager in love for two and a half years. I blossom and can finally be the woman who has been slumbering in me for so long. And I am very happy, satisfied and take every moment as it comes.

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